Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Momma's Boy

So if you are a fellow single person then you have experienced “The Setup”. Mated people everywhere swear they have “the PERFECT person for you”. Yeah OK. Doesn't everyone? I used to brush them off, but at my age, I can't really run the risk of missing out on Mr. Right so I have started playing along. Big mistake.

A few weeks ago a guy I work with at one of my part-time jobs tells me he has the PERFECT guy for me. Yeah right. But I figured I have been working there on and off for 8 years so he has to know a little something about me, right?  Wrong. Apparently no one ever pays any attention to me and my likes/dislikes because if they did, perhaps they'd know that this “Mr. Right” is definitely not right for me.  But I play along...

"No Kace, I swear, he's a real good lookin' guy! I wouldn’t steer you wrong" he says. 

"OK Pete,  so 3 questions: 1)does he have a job?" 


"2) does he have a car?"


"3) does he live with his mother?" 

You'll notice as you get older, the number of questions decreases. Your standards lower. And the number of guys who's answers coincide with your ideal-well their practically non-existent.  I once received a fortune cookie that perfectly expressed my sentiments. It hangs on my refrigerator door. It reads “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for”. Genius right? So OK maybe I might go out with this tool because I’m 30 and I ain't getting any younger, but if he sucks or turns out he is not my ideal man-I’m not wasting my time to stick around. Sorry. But I would rather be alone forever than be stuck in a relationship where I am not completely fulfilled. Some people have it all, so why can't I? I can! But I digress...

One thing I should probably mention-i am great on first dates. I'm not being conceded, but really I try to be my best- friendly, sexy, sweet, and funny-no matter who it is on the receiving end.  The only problem I find with this when I am not interested and the guy totally is. I do feel bad but wouldn't I feel worse if I was unkind to them? On our first date? If I feel bad enough for them to make it to a second date, then all bets are off. 

Since mystery guy seems to be just right, based on my all-telling questionnaire, I give Pete my card for the guy.  After a couple phone conversations (which is unusual enough in this texting era) we set a date. After years of this single b.s. I have stopped the whole he is soooo going to be my dream guy! I just know it! thing and discontinued the this is going to suck so bad, someone better give me an emergency call thing, I have started the whole whatever happens happens, just enjoy it-and if you don't- at least you'll have a story thing. So we go out for the first time last night.  I never set my expectations high, because then you're just setting yourself up for a HUGE disappointment. But Pete has known me for years so I’m sure he has to be somewhat great right?   Think again, my friend. First I should mention that I’m pretty vertically challenged, so when I say a guy is shorter than me-we're talking dwarf stature. I wear heels all the time, so I’m 5'4 on a good day.  Mystery guy barely grazes my eye level. I swear Pete said he was 5'9 (ish?)  I was sure 5'9 was taller than that last time I looked. OK. It's OK. He's dressed nice. Except for that trench coat. Didn't there used to be a trench coat mafia? Maybe he's in that?  OK focus, Kace, he's talking. so you live around here right? How long have you been there? You live alone?”

I tell him what complex I live in.  “Yes, been there 5 years. I live alone, thank God. What about you?”

OK deep breath, please don't say the thing that ends the date when we're only 7 minutes and 23 seconds in...actually I live down the street from you. With my mom.”

Oh. My. God. He said it.  Done. 7 minutes and 58 seconds. That was fast. How do I get out of here? No, no don't be rude. At least finish you're beer. Why did I get a 22oz? Who's idea was that!? Damnit. OK so he mentioned his mom already. Just change the subject and continue as if it didn't happen. 

“How old are you again?”30” 

Jesus Christ. He's never leaving her. I can't be with someone who is in love with his mother like that. Love her, yes, but by God how will you ever get pussy with your mom in the next room!  Well even if I thought for one second I’d have sex with you (which I won't), that just went out the window. I'm not gonna bang you at your mothers house. Well it turns out its his apartment and he's helping her out right now. We're still talking about her? It's been like 10 minutes now.  Mind you I am not asking any questions, in fact I’m discouraging the talk altogether with nods and smirky smiles. No encouraging at all.  If that’s what we're going to talk about on the first date, then I’d prefer to chug my beer in quiet and be on my way. You see, she recently moved out of her boyfriends house. He couldn't handle her. You see, she's a little bit anal.”

Oh. My. God. Am I drunk? Did he just tell me his mother is an anal bitch that lives with him, and her own boyfriend couldn't bare to be around her?But they still talk, date-whatever”
 Still not talking.We go into the deli at least once a month for brisket. Pete takes care of us. He loves my mom.”

Oh great-an overbearing Jewish mother that cooks and cleans for him as if he were 12, and treats him to brisket on Sundays. Does she lay out your work clothes too?We take the train to work together every morning.”

Holy fucking Christ. If somebody doesn't get me the fuck out of here right now-this bar is gonna experience postal. This is my life folks. I really take a moment to look around the bar. Ashton Kutcher is here somewhere. I know it. I'm on that show “Punked”. I know it. I know it.  Is that him in the baseball cap?

Deep breath. Its been 38 minutes. The DJ just dropped of Quizzo sheets at our table. OK good, I'll be a good little date and laugh at his jokes and play Quizzo with him for the next hour...hour? I don't think so...OK well do the first round, 10 questions and hear the answers, then I’m out.   
I didn't really help on the whole Quizzo thing, I just pretended to not know the answers as I watched him fill it out. Truth was-i can't even hear what the questions are because the voice in my head is so damn loud.   
Did he really use the word “anal” or did I just hear that in my head. Who would say that out loud, to a date, on a first date with someone you might want to see again?
Note to men everywhere-no one with EVER marry you if you actually SAY your mother is an anal bitch. We will come to know her as an anal bitch who we can't fucking stand for 5 seconds let alone a lifetime, but you can't market her as such! I allowed this fiasco I call a first date to continue on for 2 hrs and 5 minutes. That’s enough. I was pleasurable, I dressed way too cute, I giggled at whatever the fuck he was babbling about when he wasn't referring to his mommy.
One and done. That's the end of momma's boy. Did he get a kiss? Are you insane? If you even asked that question, then you obviously haven't paid attention to this date at all. On to the next... -Kacie J

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