“No way! Is that your boyfriend?”
“Shut the fuck up! Sean Davis is your boyfriend?!”
“How the hell do you know him? He's from New York.”
“We went to junior high together back in Brooklyn. He used to beat me up every single day. Seriously, every fucking day!”
Well that's embarrassing! So naturally, months later when me and Sean broke up, I decided to hook up with Evan. I could claim I was drunk, choosing to make out with this lame-o who got pummeled by my ex on the regular-but instead I'll say it had been three years with the same guy so who cares! I'm single now!
We used to have make out sessions in my car outside of work (don't you miss the age when that was acceptable behavior?). He was as dumb as a a box of rocks, so clearly this wouldn't be going any further. But he invited me over one night while his parents were away. My three aforementioned rules in the dating game (own place, car, job) did not yet apply, because I was young and just didn't give a shit. I was a little uneasy going over. What the hell will we talk about? He is such a pussy, I can't even imagine him trying to bang me.
Well to my surprise, he immediately made the move. Our heavy make out session lead from the family room floor to the kitchen counter (Oh this is getting fun!) where he took off my shirt. Holy shit this kid really thinks he's going to fuck me right now. Well...maybe I should let him...My sexual thoughts were completely disrupted by him abruptly stopping.
“What's the problem?”
He grabbed me by the hand, pulled me off the counter and led me into the fancy living room and sits me half naked on his mothers couch. This is not sexy. As he reaches into the end table, he pulls out a heavy black book.
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies...”
You have to fuckin be kidding me?! The fucking BIBLE!?! What the fuck is he going to do, perform an exorcism?! And the passage about premarital sex continued...where the hell did I go wrong? How did a night of random, single girl sex turn into a God damn CCD class!? As he read, I devised a plan to hightail it the fuck out of there. Shit, my shirt is in the kitchen. How did I even get involved with someone who thinks thinking about sex is a sin?! Somewhere in between his preaching, I grabbed his watch and gasped that I was late for something or other.
Needless to say I never kissed that preacher again. Amen to that!