The Bible Thumper

When we are young and in school, before you hit the real world, we are privileged enough to have shitty, meaningless jobs like the one I had at a local ice cream shoppe while in college. Since I didn't live at school, this is where I got my daily dose of drama. Someone is always hooking up with someone, or banging the boss, or getting high in the walk-in. As I got older I learned not to mess with coworkers, however in my younger stupider (it's a word) years- this is where I'm meeting Mr. Right Now. It was a rotating door of young do-able guys, and some not so do-able but you did them anyway. And others, nastier than a Camden street hoe, that no one would dare shake hands with let alone fuck. Like Sticky Mickie, he was a line cook. The dirty (literally dirty, like he just crawled out of a mosh pit) older man that hit on every young vagina that was hired. Did I mention Stickie Mickie also had what appeared to be herpes hands and was handling your food with them. If you visited us between 2000 and 2003 and mysteriously contracted herpes of the mouth, you now know why. Gross, I know. And only sometimes did he cover his oozing blisters with gloves. Then there were the ex-cons. As an equal opportunity employer, this company took in every halfway house homie from Camden- drug addicts, murderers, whatever-which was genius because who better to have working with a bunch of young, stupid girls? But let it be known that they were less harmless than Herped-up Harry over there. This is where I met The Bible Thumper. At the time I was in a LTR (long term relationship) of three years. One night he came in to visit me and my coworker, we'll call him Evan for now, asks:

“No way! Is that your boyfriend?”
“Yeah why?”
“Shut the fuck up! Sean Davis is your boyfriend?!”
“How the hell do you know him? He's from New York.”
“We went to junior high together back in Brooklyn. He used to beat me up every single day. Seriously, every fucking day!”


Well that's embarrassing! So naturally, months later when me and Sean broke up, I decided to hook up with Evan. I could claim I was drunk, choosing to make out with this lame-o who got pummeled by my ex on the regular-but instead I'll say it had been three years with the same guy so who cares! I'm single now!

We used to have make out sessions in my car outside of work (don't you miss the age when that was acceptable behavior?). He was as dumb as a a box of rocks, so clearly this wouldn't be going any further. But he invited me over one night while his parents were away. My three aforementioned rules in the dating game (own place, car, job) did not yet apply, because I was young and just didn't give a shit. I was a little uneasy going over. What the hell will we talk about? He is such a pussy, I can't even imagine him trying to bang me.

Well to my surprise, he immediately made the move. Our heavy make out session lead from the family room floor to the kitchen counter (Oh this is getting fun!) where he took off my shirt. Holy shit this kid really thinks he's going to fuck me right now. Well...maybe I should let him...My sexual thoughts were completely disrupted by him abruptly stopping.

“What's the problem?”

He grabbed me by the hand, pulled me off the counter and led me into the fancy living room and sits me half naked on his mothers couch. This is not sexy. As he reaches into the end table, he pulls out a heavy black book.

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies...”

You have to fuckin be kidding me?! The fucking BIBLE!?! What the fuck is he going to do, perform an exorcism?! And the passage about premarital sex continued...where the hell did I go wrong? How did a night of random, single girl sex turn into a God damn CCD class!? As he read, I devised a plan to hightail it the fuck out of there. Shit, my shirt is in the kitchen. How did I even get involved with someone who thinks thinking about sex is a sin?! Somewhere in between his preaching, I grabbed his watch and gasped that I was late for something or other.

Needless to say I never kissed that preacher again. Amen to that!


-Kacie J